Perfection and Pain Rae's version
by Rae1
Summary: Reuploaded, cuz I'm a stupid, stupid, idion. Sorry, Jensu. Shounen-ai, yaoi, and Daiken


Plot: Dai finds a paper that Ken wrote for a class. He reads it and responds (that's what the readers should do at the end also). This is the sequal to "Perfection and Pain". Read the first one first.   
  
Author's note: I have permission of the original author to write this. She has given me literary freedom, as long as I don't, quote, "Kill one of them off, make it an angst, or mess with their minds. That's my job." So, I made it a Daiken. And I ignored her protests. This has minor angst, lots of fun, messed up minds. No deaths, though.  
  
  
  
  
Daisuke looked down at the scrap of paper in his hands mutely. It was written in english, so it took him a while to translate the first sentence. He had taken English in high school, but he had barely passed. He hadn't used it since.  
  
//I hurt my best friend.//   
  
He frowned at that. Ken, hurt him? Not likely. *He wouldn't. He's my best friend.* He didn't understand that line, but maybe the rest would be less cryptic. He started on the next line. It took him nearly thirty minutes to rewrite the whole paragraph.   
  
"Well, yeah, but that doesn't tell me what this is about." He sighed, and settled farther back on the couch.  
  
Miyako had found the note when it had fallen out of one Ken's pockets. They were all going to university in the same place, but Daisuke saw more of them, than any of the others. She had given it to him to give back to the older boy. He couldn't resist reading it, especially after he had noticed the words 'best friend' on the top.   
  
He probably should have returned it straight away, but it was already graded, so he doubted that Ken would miss it terribly soon.  
  
//I'm this truly wonderful human being who can do nothing wrong. I excel at everything. I am perfect. There is nothing that I can't do, and do well. That is simply a fact.//  
  
Yeah, that would be Ken. He smiled at the ego that must have driven Ken to write that. It was all true, but Ken normally seemed so modest that it was hard to see him writing that. Maybe he was just really good at hiding it.  
  
*Doubt it. He's not that conceited. It's probably just part of the paper. I wonder what the assignment was.* The next line was short, and easy.  
  
//I hurt him without a word.//  
  
That didn't exactly sound like Ken either. He wouldn't hurt a fly now. His heart was gentle and compassionate. Daisuke forced himself through the next paragraph. It was a little easier than the first. He even recognized some of the words without using the dictionary.  
  
//I am the star of the soccer team, the basketball team. I am a track star, and the most enduring runner of cross country. If I decide that it's worthy of me, then I will practice a sport. It never takes long for me to learn to outdue my teammates. But I never rub it in. Everyone knows that I'm perfect at everything. It's who I am.//  
  
Truth again. He was starting to wonder who had swelled Ken's head so far, then realized that it was probably him. He praised Ken constantly, since the older boy seemed to have such a self-esteem problem. It didn't seem to be problem anymore. His smile widened. He was glad that his friend was gaining back his confidence.  
  
*He has seemed really different lately, less withdrawn. I wonder if that's where this paper came from. He definitely sounds full of himself.*  
  
//I hurt him deeply, thoughtlessly.//  
  
Okay. Sure, Dai could understand that line easily. It was the same as the other single sentence paragraphs. *I wonder who 'he' is. It couldn't be me. Ken's never done anything to cause me pain. Not for the last nine years.*  
  
//I can play any instrument. Piano, flute, saxophone, clarinet, french horn, trombone, trumpet, drums, violin, cello. The list goes on and on. I can play them all well and flawlessly. It's easy.//  
  
It was like some stupid pamphlet to sell himself. "Ken Ichijouji's guide to the most perfect male". The redhead laughed to himself. He was alone in the dormroom that he shared with Takeru, so he didn't have to worry about anyone standing over his shoulder.  
  
//I hurt him, and ignored his pain.//  
  
Grrr. He was really getting sick of all the blame that Ken was putting on himself. If this was anything to go by, the other boy was constantly beating himself over the head with a shovel. He paused in reading to picture it, then shook himself out of the reverie.  
  
//I am popular. There isn't one person in school who doesn't want to be my friend. I can speak any language, pass any subject. I don't even have to study like others. I don't study at all. I just know it. Everyone wants my help. They all want to be seen with the child genius, the prodigy. Who wouldn't?//  
  
*I wouldn't! If I wanted to hang with the 'child genius', then I wouldn't have bothered to make sure you signed up for classes that I -wasn't- taking, and I wouldn't have encouraged you to join different clubs than me.* He knew that his friend didn't mean him. Again with the conceit, but that last line held a bitterness that Dai knew Ken really carried.  
  
//I hurt him, and I can't apologize.//  
  
Not apologize? Ken? Ken, who said he was sorry at least fifty times a day for buying him the wrong kind of pop out of the machine, when he was paying? Ken, who apologized for being ten seconds late? Thirty times? Yeah, right.  
  
//In all that I do, I make it seem effortless. As if there were no work involved. I am the envy of every person that I know. Including my parents. I am the perfect role model.//  
  
*That's my Ken! Perfect to a fault. Even his mistakes are perfect!* There were times that Dai wished his friend would slip up more often. It was daunting, being friends with a 'prodigy'. Dai liked that word.  
  
//I hurt him, killed part of him.//  
  
*Oh, Ken. Even if you did hurt someone, I know it wasn't intentional. You should know it, too. You're the only one who doubts the person that's in you. I've seen your soul, and you have nothing to worry about, trust me.*  
  
//There is nothing that I can't do. Except remember what it was like to really care about anything. It's all fake. It's an act I can't escape. I managed to hide in the digital world. Then they...he brought me back. It worked for a while. I could remember humanity.//  
  
"Huh?" He asked the question out loud as he translated that last paragraph. *He was writing about the Kaiser thing?* He checked it over four times before being certain that he had wrote it right.  
  
//I hurt him, and it's killing me.//  
  
That sounded more like Ken. Empathetic and compassionate. He wasn't a cold person, he didn't have it in him to be. He felt things deep and hard. That's why they were friends. They shared the same loyalty and depth of feeling.  
  
//But, when you're support system starts to get pushed away, what is there to hold you up. How can you stand alone, when you haven't got the energy to get on your feet? I was slipping back into that hole, the one I fell into shortly before the Kaiser emerged.//  
  
Pushed away? Ken hadn't pushed Dai away in years. In fact, the older of the two, now a man, had finally broken down just a couple of months ago. *What's been going on inside of your head, Ken?*  
  
//I hurt him, and I feel his pain.//  
  
//I rejected him at first. I didn't want them around. They had defeated me, he had defeated me. But there I was, back in the Digital world, trying to save the very digimon that I had worked to enslave. //  
  
//I hurt him, and he forgave me.//  
  
"Always." He said it out loud, and silently. He couldn't have done anything else. Dai didn't have it in him to leave someone hurting, especially if he helped cause the pain. He might be able to hold a grudge, but Ken would never be on the other side of one. The bond they held was too strong.  
  
//I stood beside them, helped them, fought beside them. On the outside, I was beginning to become human. But I was slipping on the inside. I was lost, with no-one looking in the right direction to save me.//  
  
Not looking! Dai glared at the paper. He really didn't like english, anyways, and this whole situation was making him like it less. He had looked out for Ken ever since the digital world. He had tried his hardest to be there for him. Obviously, his best wasn't good enough.  
  
//I hurt him, and he hurt me in return.//  
  
*Not bloody likely! As if I would ever raise my hand to him.*  
  
//But he caught me in time. I don't know how. He's not that observant. He's supposed to be flaky and unreliable. He appears to be dense and slow. Yet, it was he who caught me, bore me up, and slapped me. He woke me up from the nightmare I was living.//  
  
*Not observant? Now, I know that he's talking about me. Flaky? Unreliable? Dense? Slow?!! Wait till I get my hands on him! He'll see how slow and observant I am!* Dai growled in his throat and put the pencil he was writing with down.   
  
He stood up and stretched. He'd been at decoding that paper for over two hours already. He didn't want to know how long it would take him to finish the rest. But finish, he would. He was just settling back into his chair when someone knocked on the door.  
  
He sighed and stood up to open it, but it swung open before he had made it halfway across the room. Ken walked in and sat a six-pack of soda on the table nearest the door. "Hey, Dai!"  
  
Dai started to greet him, but stopped himself. He put his hands on his hips, and glared at his best friend. "Sit." Ken looked up in surprise, then looked beyond Dai to the paper and dictionary on the couch.  
  
"Oh, shi-" He was forcibly pulled toward the couch, and then pushed down roughly.  
  
"Try that one on for slow." Dai shut the door and gave him a cocky grin. "I'm going to sit here, and translate the rest of this myself. You are going to be quiet, and patient, and wait. Got it?"  
  
The raven-haired boy nodded, sinking into the cushions of the couch. He looked at Dai's handwriting on the translation paper to judge how much his friend had read.  
  
//I hurt him, and he thanked me.//  
  
"You weren't supposed to read this." Dai just raised an eyebrow and sat back down in the chair. He began working on the next paragraph. Ken stayed silent beside him.  
  
//I returned to the Kaiser's arrogance, staring him down. I mocked him and hit him. I threatened him and beat him. And he only touched me the once. A single slap when I started to cry. He let me vent my anger and frustration out on him, until he was bruised and bleeding. And he never hit me back. Just that one, single slap pulling me from my self-pity.//  
  
Dai looked up. "I won't apologize for that, either." Ken looked at him questioningly. "for slapping you." The genius shrugged  
  
//I hurt him, and he smiled.//  
  
*I remember that. It hurt, too. Don't try to smile when your lip threatens to fall off at any second.* He smiled slightly. It had been one hell of a fight.  
  
//My frustration gone, I yelled. I called him more names than I ever thought existed. I made them up and flung them at him in anger and pain. He didn't say anything. He just sat there with a smiling, bloody mouth and waited while I raged and raged at him.//  
  
*I guess I'm not the only one that remembers it that way.* Ken's face had been so red, his eyes burning, that it had taken everything Dai had not to back away. Ken had yelled for a good twenty minutes before stopping.  
  
//I hurt him, and he cried.//  
  
Cried? Yes, he had cried. By that time, the pain had been overwhelming. And since he hadn't allowed Ken to cry, he had cried for him.  
  
//When the anger ran out, I was left with the despair. I poured out the emptiness, the fakeness of my life. I didn't shed a single tear as I spoke of the lost lonely boy I had been, and still was. Of parent's who were in love with a dead ideal. A brother who had left too much of a burden. Of the expectations that didn't fit me, that I filled anyway. And throught dry eyes, I saw his tears.//  
  
*I had never seen so much pain, not even when he lost Wormmon. He had looked so confused, so alone. I felt his pain, and I tried to take it from him.*  
  
//I hurt him, and he loved me anyway.//  
  
  
He looked up at Ken, who was trying to read over his shoulder to see how far he had gotten. He had already been there for almost an hour. Dai looked into his amethyst eyes, then turned back to his paper.  
  
//As I trailed off into silence, he waited. He wasn't a patient person. He was energetic and impulsive, spontaneous and reckless. And yet he waited. For me. For me to reflect on all that I had told him, because we both knew that he didn't understand anything but the pain. He waited for me to stop, and then he hugged me.//  
  
*Oh, yes. I understood his pain. I had felt it before, not in the same amount, but enough to know that it could be intolerable. Enough to know that when it hurt that badly, the person feeling it can sometimes try to make it go away. I knew then that he had contemplated suicide, the same as I had. And I reached out the only way I knew.*  
  
//I hurt him, and I healed him.//  
  
"Healed me?" He smiled gently down at those words. How true they were. Dai hadn't felt lost, or alone, or even depressed once in nine years. He had indeed been healed by the former Kaiser. There was no doubt about that. Not in Dai's eyes.  
  
//I wept against his shoulder. Not tears of self-pity, but tears of anger and frustration, and sorrow at the pain that I had caused him. I turned twenty that day. For nine years, I bottled up all of my feelings, refusing to let them out. I let parts of me die, not realizing that I killed him when I did it. I hurt us both, by trying to be too strong. I shut him out, forced him out of my life.//  
  
*I never realized how well he knew me. He knew exactly how I felt about him. Kind of. The depth of friendship, and the loyalty, we've shared them. But there has always been a part of me that lives only in him. And he never knew about that.*  
  
"It hurt that you didn't trust me with your pain." He spoke softly. The older man looked into his eyes, and then away.  
  
"I didn't to burden you with it. I didn't want you to have to deal with my problems." He defended himself just as gently.  
  
"Instead, I got stuck with your silence, and the feeling that I wasn't good enough to be a part of it. If you had trusted me, and trusted yourself, I would have taken that pain from you."  
  
Ken smiled. "You did take it, Dai. It just took a while. And as for my silence, you and I both know that that's a lie. You were the only person I spoke with at all, with any molecule of truth. Everyone else was given the 'Ichijouji Special', lies and fake smiles. I trusted you enough to be myself with you."  
  
//I hurt my best friend. And he healed me.//   
  
"Was it ever enough? Our friendship?" Dai was still writing the translation for the next paragraph, so he missed the pain and longing that flashed through the others' eyes. Ken didn't respond.  
  
//He took me from the broken shell that I was, and made me what I am today. A whole person, who can look at life without bitterness or regrets. He showed me all that the world had to offer.//  
  
Dai looked up as his friend remained silent. "Was it enough?"  
  
"It kept me here and alive, Dai. It was enough." Ken looked away from him, his hair hanging between them. The redhead felt his heart constrict for just a moment. He ignored it, and finished the last line.  
  
//I hurt my best friend, and he made me whole.//  
  
'And he made me whole.' So simply said, so hard to find, and so easy to overlook. "I thought so, too." They both looked up as the door opened. Takeru was home. He walked in and greeted them both with a smile, then did a double-take.  
  
They both had tears in their eyes, and were refusing to look at one another. He stopped and stood looking at the both of them. He slipped Daisuke's sheet of paper out of his hands, and read it. Neither of the other two said a word.  
  
"Davis? Ken? Are you two okay?" Dai stood up and forced out a positive reply. Ken slumped farther into the couch and watched as his best friend began to pace. "Right. You two are both so okay, that you're both crying?" They looked at each other, their eyes mirrors to the others pain.  
  
"I'm sorry, Dai." Ken spoke tentatively.   
  
"For what?" Genuinely puzzled, Dai stopped and turned to look him in the eye. They both ignored the blonde, who watched them with interest. Ken gestured to the paper was laying on the arm of the chair (a/n: I'm refering to the original, not Dai's copy.). "That reminds me. You said some pretty mean things in there."  
  
"Like what?" Ken didn't remember writing anything that would...oh, wait. Yes, he did remember. He smiled slightly, teasingly. "You mean the part about you being slow, dense, unobservant..."   
  
A hand closed over his mouth as Daisuke, who had grown taller in the last several years, towered over him. "I really would have taken offense to those things, except that my slow brain caught the word 'seems'. You are redeemed."  
  
When the hand moved away from his mouth, he whispered, "I have been since the day I met you." They stood, their eyes captive of the other's gaze. Ken swallowed, Takeru left, and Dai watched him with dark chocolate eyes. "There was more. To that paper. But I couldn't bring my self to write the rest of it."  
  
"What did it say?" They were watching each other intently, their eyes caught, their attention riveted. Neither seemed to notice when the space between them became nothing more that a hair-breadth of space. Dai's breath fanned Ken's cheek.  
  
"I hurt him, and he came to me. I watched him fall in and out of love, time and time again. And each night, in my dreams, he would be there. If I had been perfection, then he was beyond. He was my better half, the half that completed me."  
  
Ken swallowed and continued, his breathing constricted by proximity. "I hurt him and he's still my best friend. And I waited to see if he would still e there. I held the truth at bay, longing to speak, to act, but unable to bring my voice to work. And that caused a new pain that I knew he could never share."  
  
"I hurt him, and then I loved him. And I would do so for the rest of my life. There isn't anything I would give to be with him. Whether it be my dreams, my love, my pride, it doesn't matter. Life without him isn't worth living, even if it means I have to give him up, let him go."  
  
"I hurt him, and I cried. Because I still can't have him. He stood by me through everything. He will never abandon me, he will never leave me. I will never be alone. And I won't let him be alone, either. We'll be there for each other, forever. That's the promise we made to each other that day. And it's a promise that I will keep."  
  
Dai smiled at him, his head tilted to the side, lights dancing in his eyes. He leaned in closer, and spoke just inches from his mouth. "He hurt me, and stole my heart forever. And if he ever thinks about leaving me, I will hunt him down and chain him to me until he stops trying to hide from me."  
  
Their lips touched gently, their hearts beating in rhythm, their breaths mingling.   
  
//I hurt my best friend, and he made me whole.//  
  
T.K. looked at the last line on the page, and shut the door completely behind him. The two lovers within were still staring at each other, their arms around each other. They had looked so happy, so at peace, that he couldn't bring himself to interrupt them. He looked at the paper and slipped it into his pocket. Then he walked away, whistling to himself.  
  
________________________________________  
  
End note: Isn't that sweet? I mean the original, which is shown by //words//.   
  
Author: Rae (penname) and //Jensu//  
Title: Perfection and Pain  
Content: yaoi (my version) and //friendship//  
  
Jensu: I hope that you enjoyed the original. I think that Dai, and Ken are the perfect friends. They balance each other so well.  
  
Rae: They also make a great couple!   
  
  
  
This is contest info. Also available on my Taito, Only One:  
  
  
Rules:  
1. It must be Digimon  
2.It must contain yaoi. That doesn't mean it has to center around it, but it should contain at least one yaoi/yuri mention.  
3.It must be titled "the one who loved me"  
4.It does NOT have to be a songfic  
5. No poetry (sorry)  
6. It must bash at least one girl (not including Jun, or Miyako)  
7. No Daisuke bashing  
8. Must include the phrase "This is the scariest thing I've ever seen. Except Tweety-bird and Mr. Rogers."  
  
  
The winner can have a fic with whatever coupling and rating they want, excluding, sorry, cross-breeding. I am up for the challenge, but  
please, make it something you want to read.  
  
  
Send notification of fic entry to raegan_1@hotmail.com  
  
Deadline is June 7th, 2001. I'm not asking for 'perfection' on this, just some contestants. Have some fun, people. Enjoy the writing process. I will post my story for this on the 8th, hopefully. I'm not entering the contest, but I figured it would look better if I had one of my own.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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